so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize