my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
