It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
