gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
