ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
