she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
