So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
