The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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