I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
