i just wanna soil my oats bro
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
