At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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