It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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