So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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