Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
