I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
