so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
