Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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