Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
where are my eyebrows?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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