I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
