please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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