How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
