i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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