...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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