: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
