sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i came on her dog
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize