i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
