im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
