My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
