I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
