I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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