after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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