did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
