I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
