I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
