My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
