when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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