You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
