im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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