just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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