I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
