Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You may now shotgun with the bride
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
