butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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