I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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