Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
