I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
