Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
