I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
