I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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