my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
