Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sarcasm needs its own font
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
