worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
