i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is my gift to your gina
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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