we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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