Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
