Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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