I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
