I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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