Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
